Who's responsible for your heart

A misadventure in three acts
It's been days since I wrote mainly because I haven't had the will to do much of anything, work is piling up, relations are strained and all this while I been thinking - what happened.

I know I said I had a sense of inner peace and clarity, I do but it's in the weaker moments that the fetid mouth of despair kisses my lips and send shivers down my spine. I awoke this morning and resolved to shake it off and worked VERY hard on forgiving myself. And I focused on the simple truth that I can't control anyone but myself - I can't get Cynthia to see her complicity in this and I can't get her to see the wreckage she has left in her wake - ultimately it doesn't mater as I have no control over her, I never did.

It's about me and how I have to move on and raise my son and grow my business - I pray each morning for the courage to stay focused and live up to the potential of the moment. Tomorrow Miss Cynthia will be taking the last of her belongings from my home and hopefully I can start to find the clear center in my tumultuous heart.

We have to love and trust, if we want to grow as people and engage in the best of what life has to offer. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life is to forgive myself for the love that I have lost. I don't blame myself and I don't blame her, I just sit here reflecting here as I caress the face of despair, in the hope that it will go to sleep and leave me in peace.

Photo attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/powerhouse_museum

Snap shots in the timeline

Perspective
I was walking home last night after a big day (2 house warmings and Kate's going away party) and was very introspective - it was good to see Conor and Kate and have lots of hugs from friends - but on the way home I started to think about how much time I have left on this world.

The set of friends that I was hanging out with were my young drinking buddies which just happen to the same age differential as my ex-fiance and me (28 vs 43) and got me thinking about connections and what brings people together.


When I got home a box of old photos caught my eye and I thought this was a good time to get some perspective of my time on this world - I know time heals so I thought lets peek through the looking glass - when I did I found a lot of perspective as the memories came flooding in.

One of the items I found was this box from my ex-girlfriend Meagan - we had a whirlwind romance in LA that finally culminated with her moving to Sydney for a short while - the box above was a gift she sent me and the text reads:

" This box is now just a box that holds a wishbone that I've been saving for the right wish! I send it to you for safe keeping! We will finely write our names on it, one for each side, so when we wish for one another, it's an instant wish come true! - we can never lose - "

This was such a nice surprise to find and reminded me what a great romance we had - and even though we broke up there is still a lot of love and respect there - it heartened me to think about how blessed I have been to have so much love in my life.

We are here for such a short period if time we should try and bring joy to all those we touch - and if we must feel pain in the process of loving then so be it - we will only respect our love more when we come out from under the shadow of grief and into the light of a new day.

It's all about sex baby

It's not really - it's about connection
As provocative as that photo may be it means nothing without the connection between two souls - I am sure there is a time and place for indulging in some carnal play - but this blog is about a spiritual journey and I would be a fool to deny that sex plays doesn't part in this.

I was out last night with my beautiful friend Lemora and her boyfriend Paul at a club he promotes and it was full people who's only intention was to titillate the senses - this is what I needed as my last post showed I was struggling - in the past when I have gone out all it's done is made things worse. I find that the vacuous, mundane, primal interactions more alienating then arousing.

What I wanted to share was a interesting conversation I had with a Chinese bloke named La - we had a good chat about life and I told him about Momentousness and he told me about his view on life. The one salient point that sticks with me was this simple truth "When something finite ends, it opens up infinite possibilities" - among all the shiny tights and dressed down models here was a pristine truth - when my relationship ended with Cynthia it ended her timeline in my life - this in turn has opened a million possibilities that didn't exist before.

My goal is that by living in the moment and capitalizing on all the positive paths that open before me, that I will find a connection that is deserving of becoming part of my timeline. Because it's not about sex, it's about two souls that share a common goal and that is what I have lost - but my heart is open (even to Cynthia as I will always love her) and I have the courage to love again - hopefully I will be aware in the moment when fate comes to caress me once again.

What about courage

Hard days night
I went to go see a movie tonight with Oscar my 9 year old son as he was sick and as I sat in the theater I was suddenly consumed with grief and longing. I was suddenly extremely remorseful and watching the scenes of desire on the screen burnt a whole in my head.

I thought about what I was trying to do and tried to imagine how I was the last couple of days - not at peace, but peaceful - why has that feeling forsaken me?

On the way home it dawned me that there is no easy fix - that you have to respect the grief and that a love as big as ours deserve the respect the grief imbues it with.

Then I thought about courage and what a noble trait it can be - and I put my hand on my sons knee as we drove through the oily translucent night - the rain beat down on the car and I felt my courage rise. I knew that it was all going to be ok in time - and even though barbwire may coil in my gut for now - the most important things in my life are in my heart and only I can kill them - I choose to let love live and that brings me courage.

I received at text from my cousin Sally and it ended simply with "love you"

There is so much love in my life, that gives me courage too.

Morning meditation

Three word images to use and why

This morning I tired a few different "word images" when doing my deep breathing exercises, one set was said with inhalation and the second on exhalation. The purpose was to clear my thoughts and set-up a positive frame of mind for the rest of the day.

Set one
When breathing in say the words "life is impermanent" when exhaling say the words "live life with purpose". I have timed the word to match my breathing, you may add extra emphasis if you want for example "live life with fierce determination".

The reason behind these words for me are fairly obvious, we treat our timeline with contempt (I am being broad and generalising here to make a point) we trample through the world as if we are a permanent fixture. Nothing can be further from the truth and we have to optimise our our time here to bring as much light and joy as possible - because every living being is a microcosm of spiritual complexity which is fighting against entropy - and through this fight we leave our imprint on the world and shape the destiny of our loved ones.

Set two
When breathing in say the words "I forgive myself" when exhaling say "I can now move forward with joy" . This is a modification of one I was taught at a meditation class I took with Cynthia, I found it interesting when I first did it but it didn't mean anything to me until now. I truly started to heal when I forgave myself, all the hurt melted away. This is a critical step for people who bottle things up and hang onto trust issues or fear - you perceive that you have been wronged that somehow the world is against you and even though you blame the world you feel some inner guilt - if you can truly forgive yourself as no one thing is perfect then you can begin to heal. This has had a real and dramatic impact on my life and if it's one thing you take from this blog do it!

Set three
This is the one mentioned in day one and is the crux of my thought regime. When breathing in say the words "This moment is full of potential" when exhaling say the words "always find the most fulling path". This has been shortened a little bit but to be honest it can be any combination of words as long as the spirit is the same.

I had a lot on my mind when I woke up but I am ready to meet the day with a smile, I hope you feel the same :)

Image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pezz/

Day two - reflections on the self

Note on finding self
The process that I am going through was a necessary step in self-preservation, I was at rock bottom and staring up from the bottom of the oubliette I reached for the light and this is what I found - I found myself denuded and standing bare and in that state I could do one of two things - I could pitty myself and blame others or I could forgive myself and try to heal. I did the later and have tried to build this mental construct called momentousness to help me make sense of who I am and to move forward in life with grace and justice.

This has been an imperfect path to date but one full of self-realisation, and in this process I have realised there are some major obsticals to living in the moment - namely the self - the sum of our parts that squirms and struggles under the fabric of perception - it's made up of so many different experiences from our timeline that it's a complex melange of triggers, insecurities, fears, desire, etc. - that understanding it and acting in the correct way in the moment is a struggle indeed. Knowing your insecurities is one step but seeing how they effect others is another - being able to face down fear with faith and not allow yourself to indulge in your insecurities is one of the hardest things.

I am learning as I write this, and have no clear exercises for pulling out the hardest parts of the soul, bringing them into the light, healing them and placing them back into the timeline - I am writing this as naked and honest as I can in the hopes that this will show me the way - that by stripping away my pride and fear that I will get the man underneath and be able to control the subconscious as I try to live in the moment. To be honest this is a painful process, when you take way the mechanisms that you have used for years to prop up your image of your self you are left vulnerable. In this vulnerability lies strength, it's the strength of the new born, it's the ability to grow from nothing, it's the vision of a better life that you evolve into, it's the strength of light. Ultimately it's the ability to create, it's an ethic that asks you to build from this place vulnerability and to add strength and grace in it's place.

photo attribute: creative commons - http://www.flickr.com/photos/72213316@N00/

Day one - living the momentus moment

This is the day after I had my moment of clarity and realised that to be a man and a positive force in society that you have to be present in the moment - this means being aware of what your actions will do to your environment - understanding your fears, inner drivers and desires - and acting in a way that has the most positive outcome to the people in your environment.













The morning exercise
In the morning when you awaken spend a couple of minutes clearing your mind, try to focus your breathing. I have only done this once so I may come up with a better technique but this is what I am doing now. In your mind when you inhale say these words "This moment is full of potential, I will find the most fulling path from this moment in time" As things pop in your head think about how they maybe used to the best - if it's something negative and out of your control then don't dwell on it if it can't be made into something positive. Think about your family and your loved ones and think about how your actions - stemming from this moment of meditation - can make their lives better and try and find a path in your mind with the lease resistance to make it happen.

A note on the past
The past is important in several ways, one of the most critical is how you behaved in it - did you really live up to your potential in the moment, did you really do all that you could do to make your loved ones happy. Also the past has to be looked at in context of how it's shaped the people in your life - if they are too damaged, bitter or dangerous to have in your life then they will affect your ability to engage in momentusness then they should be removed from your timeline

A note on the future
The future is born out of our actions in the moment and how we let our fears, dreams and desires control our actions - it's critical for us to consider our interconnectedness to all things and that when choosing the optimum actions that we don't damage these connections. A wise and beautiful and wise woman taught me that, and it's central to momentusness as essential it's about doing the right thing.

Photo attribution: Creative Commons - http://www.flickr.com/photos/stage88/

Letters of love and lost

I am going through a very deep and soul rending breakup and through the process of loving and losing this great love I have found an inner peace. This inner peace has come from the wind blasted landscape of my heart - it's an austere barren place with only one landmark - and this landmark is the beacon that I focus on in my meditations - it's a beacon of hope

The love we shared was deep and powerful and it's loss is what brought me to this place and I hope by sharing my new thought regime that I can bring some clarity to your life as well.

Photo attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/neonihil/3059670034/