What about courage

Hard days night
I went to go see a movie tonight with Oscar my 9 year old son as he was sick and as I sat in the theater I was suddenly consumed with grief and longing. I was suddenly extremely remorseful and watching the scenes of desire on the screen burnt a whole in my head.

I thought about what I was trying to do and tried to imagine how I was the last couple of days - not at peace, but peaceful - why has that feeling forsaken me?

On the way home it dawned me that there is no easy fix - that you have to respect the grief and that a love as big as ours deserve the respect the grief imbues it with.

Then I thought about courage and what a noble trait it can be - and I put my hand on my sons knee as we drove through the oily translucent night - the rain beat down on the car and I felt my courage rise. I knew that it was all going to be ok in time - and even though barbwire may coil in my gut for now - the most important things in my life are in my heart and only I can kill them - I choose to let love live and that brings me courage.

I received at text from my cousin Sally and it ended simply with "love you"

There is so much love in my life, that gives me courage too.