Sorry for the lack of posting

I am currently on holidays in Amsterdam and have been putting all my energies into relaxing and drinking beer!

Been posting on my other blog feel free to have a look:

http://geoffreyemerson.posterous.com/

Next post on momentus will be my plan on how to become bountiful in commerce, body and mind.

The death of anger - a poem

Through straights of twisted bone and water made of bile, a ship sails...

The captain takes the sextant out of the eye of the last good man and sighs, "This is no sacred land - it's a nest of broken dreams and lies".

Then the sirens songs begins anew and the heart floods with want and desire, but alas it's only a chimera burning in loves fire.

The sirens eyes only see what her soul wants - she covets that which is on her lips grasp - the seed of man, which he'll pay with cloying taunts.

Through the straights of despair a ship sails upon a child's tears...

The crew are not but empty rotting husks - and the captain sits upon a throne of bones - a shimmer of sound, trickles a bloody tone.

He looks for the sound - but only see the sirens bare breasts heaving with pleasure - again he looks and she is entwined with rancor.

The captain stares at the water, and his gasping mouth - the moan is just his soul that has come about - the cold realization that the death of anger signals the death of it all - that last inch is the furthest to fall

The death of anger - is the death of it all

Skirting the edge of velvet memories

So many cool connections tonight, reconnected with a bunch of old friends. One album in particular reminded me what a great life I have had - so many good people, hanging out with hot people in hot spots - not what you can sustain but it's great to have that perspective in your life. I was so full of life I even deluded my self ponytails where cool, as evidenced by the photo above.

Everyday is a blessing and even more so as I have my beautiful son and network of "real connections" that mean something to me - not just people that fill a void or pander to some pathological need to be wanted. They are real connections for a real heart that beats the momentus moment - and I grow in depth and strength whith each beat - the view is amazing from the edge of velvet memories

I love this video as there is nothing more pure than a child's heart and watching this makes me realise why I am here and why I am doing so well - I exist within and without myself in the most demonstrable and powerful way.

I love you beautiful little man - you make me proud with every breath.

Light and shade in the maelstrom

The revolution won't be televised
In all things that happen in the mind the subconscious plays a huge part, I often tried to acknowledge what part my "private mythology" plays in my day to day actions. I feel the tug of fear or my insecurities biting at the heels of success, even though there is no rational reason for it.

There needs to be a revolution in my brain, I have to shake of the shackles of learned behaviors that I am only superficially aware of. I found an interesting post that showed that the subconscious can make more accurate decisions then the conscious mind, here is an abstract:

"If the unconscious has the innate ability to make right decisions while the conscious is more likely to make the wrong one, what does is imply about human understanding of the world and truth? In my observations of human nature, it is “natural” for us to rationalize situations. Is seems that the two levels of mind of our bipartite brains are at constant odds. Though the contributions of the unconscious may be the right answers, they can be overruled by the over rationalization of the conscious. I suppose it is the human tragedy not to know reality as it is, but rather we “know” through subjective interpretations."

Full text found here

As I keep evolving this thought regime I realise there are so many factors that effect what is an optimal outcome and not least of these is the subconscious. I know there are a LOT of techniques for dealing with the subconscious - but the whole point of this exercise is to find things that work for more me on my own - so for now I am going to factor all this in, i'm not going to try an alter it for now. Rather I am going to acknowledge it's influence and find a way to identify behaviors that can't be explained otherwise.

Ultimately the goal is to live in the moment, pick the optimal path and therefore bring joy to your loved ones - living the momentus moment.

Photo attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lapolab/2403693037/

Coda

A new meditation

The last few days Cynthia has been in the hospital, and I didn't feel right about breaking off contact while she was there. As a mater of fact I was on my way out for Friday drinks when I stopped into see her - she had just gotten the shunt put in and was in incredible pain. It was good to be there for her and be supportive, but the aftermath was that I couldn't stop thinking about her and for the next couple days our timelines again were intertwined.

I was doing really well and all of a sudden I had a lot of work to do again, we resolved to have a clean break and this morning I awoke with a new meditation:

While breathing with my hands a centimeter off my body I moved them down from my eyes across my chest and abdomen down to my pelvis and then flicking out the energy from my body. When inhaling "this pain and joy" and while exhaling say these words "doesn't belong to me anymore"

So the whole thing in one movement was "This pain and joy, doesn't belong to me anymore"

The exercise is to acknowledge the dichotomy of pain, that with this intense joy comes it's shadow and that without light to counter act the pain you are suffer unnecessarily. Interacting with Cynthia was bringing pain to me and my family, I don't blame her for this as I forgiven myself - however to hang onto the the joyous memories and suffer their loss without replacing them with new memories is toxic.

Out of all the exercises I have written about this one is the only one that I feel working as you do it, I feel demonstrably better after having meditated. This is obviously a very aggressive meditation designed to pull out negative thoughts and can't be used in every situation. But one could try changing the phrases around to reflect other negative issues in the timeline.

For example, shithead co-worker could = "His insecurities and anger , don't belong here anymore" and push his garbage out of your head. I could see this working for a lot of things that pop up in life from time to time.

I think this is the last time that Cynthia is going to feature on this blog, I have to Thank her for being the catalyst that has started me thinking more about my place in the world. I still plan to write about how hard it is to stay focused in the maelstrom of day to day life, but not about how it started.

I hope that whomever reads this that you get some insight, no matter how small will make me happy. I mainly write this blog as a discipline to keep me honest and to keep my mind focused on momentousness, but if it helps someone along the way all the better.


Photo attribution: Geoffrey Emerson

Who's responsible for your heart

A misadventure in three acts
It's been days since I wrote mainly because I haven't had the will to do much of anything, work is piling up, relations are strained and all this while I been thinking - what happened.

I know I said I had a sense of inner peace and clarity, I do but it's in the weaker moments that the fetid mouth of despair kisses my lips and send shivers down my spine. I awoke this morning and resolved to shake it off and worked VERY hard on forgiving myself. And I focused on the simple truth that I can't control anyone but myself - I can't get Cynthia to see her complicity in this and I can't get her to see the wreckage she has left in her wake - ultimately it doesn't mater as I have no control over her, I never did.

It's about me and how I have to move on and raise my son and grow my business - I pray each morning for the courage to stay focused and live up to the potential of the moment. Tomorrow Miss Cynthia will be taking the last of her belongings from my home and hopefully I can start to find the clear center in my tumultuous heart.

We have to love and trust, if we want to grow as people and engage in the best of what life has to offer. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life is to forgive myself for the love that I have lost. I don't blame myself and I don't blame her, I just sit here reflecting here as I caress the face of despair, in the hope that it will go to sleep and leave me in peace.

Photo attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/powerhouse_museum

Snap shots in the timeline

Perspective
I was walking home last night after a big day (2 house warmings and Kate's going away party) and was very introspective - it was good to see Conor and Kate and have lots of hugs from friends - but on the way home I started to think about how much time I have left on this world.

The set of friends that I was hanging out with were my young drinking buddies which just happen to the same age differential as my ex-fiance and me (28 vs 43) and got me thinking about connections and what brings people together.


When I got home a box of old photos caught my eye and I thought this was a good time to get some perspective of my time on this world - I know time heals so I thought lets peek through the looking glass - when I did I found a lot of perspective as the memories came flooding in.

One of the items I found was this box from my ex-girlfriend Meagan - we had a whirlwind romance in LA that finally culminated with her moving to Sydney for a short while - the box above was a gift she sent me and the text reads:

" This box is now just a box that holds a wishbone that I've been saving for the right wish! I send it to you for safe keeping! We will finely write our names on it, one for each side, so when we wish for one another, it's an instant wish come true! - we can never lose - "

This was such a nice surprise to find and reminded me what a great romance we had - and even though we broke up there is still a lot of love and respect there - it heartened me to think about how blessed I have been to have so much love in my life.

We are here for such a short period if time we should try and bring joy to all those we touch - and if we must feel pain in the process of loving then so be it - we will only respect our love more when we come out from under the shadow of grief and into the light of a new day.