Skirting the edge of velvet memories

So many cool connections tonight, reconnected with a bunch of old friends. One album in particular reminded me what a great life I have had - so many good people, hanging out with hot people in hot spots - not what you can sustain but it's great to have that perspective in your life. I was so full of life I even deluded my self ponytails where cool, as evidenced by the photo above.

Everyday is a blessing and even more so as I have my beautiful son and network of "real connections" that mean something to me - not just people that fill a void or pander to some pathological need to be wanted. They are real connections for a real heart that beats the momentus moment - and I grow in depth and strength whith each beat - the view is amazing from the edge of velvet memories

I love this video as there is nothing more pure than a child's heart and watching this makes me realise why I am here and why I am doing so well - I exist within and without myself in the most demonstrable and powerful way.

I love you beautiful little man - you make me proud with every breath.

Coda

A new meditation

The last few days Cynthia has been in the hospital, and I didn't feel right about breaking off contact while she was there. As a mater of fact I was on my way out for Friday drinks when I stopped into see her - she had just gotten the shunt put in and was in incredible pain. It was good to be there for her and be supportive, but the aftermath was that I couldn't stop thinking about her and for the next couple days our timelines again were intertwined.

I was doing really well and all of a sudden I had a lot of work to do again, we resolved to have a clean break and this morning I awoke with a new meditation:

While breathing with my hands a centimeter off my body I moved them down from my eyes across my chest and abdomen down to my pelvis and then flicking out the energy from my body. When inhaling "this pain and joy" and while exhaling say these words "doesn't belong to me anymore"

So the whole thing in one movement was "This pain and joy, doesn't belong to me anymore"

The exercise is to acknowledge the dichotomy of pain, that with this intense joy comes it's shadow and that without light to counter act the pain you are suffer unnecessarily. Interacting with Cynthia was bringing pain to me and my family, I don't blame her for this as I forgiven myself - however to hang onto the the joyous memories and suffer their loss without replacing them with new memories is toxic.

Out of all the exercises I have written about this one is the only one that I feel working as you do it, I feel demonstrably better after having meditated. This is obviously a very aggressive meditation designed to pull out negative thoughts and can't be used in every situation. But one could try changing the phrases around to reflect other negative issues in the timeline.

For example, shithead co-worker could = "His insecurities and anger , don't belong here anymore" and push his garbage out of your head. I could see this working for a lot of things that pop up in life from time to time.

I think this is the last time that Cynthia is going to feature on this blog, I have to Thank her for being the catalyst that has started me thinking more about my place in the world. I still plan to write about how hard it is to stay focused in the maelstrom of day to day life, but not about how it started.

I hope that whomever reads this that you get some insight, no matter how small will make me happy. I mainly write this blog as a discipline to keep me honest and to keep my mind focused on momentousness, but if it helps someone along the way all the better.


Photo attribution: Geoffrey Emerson

Who's responsible for your heart

A misadventure in three acts
It's been days since I wrote mainly because I haven't had the will to do much of anything, work is piling up, relations are strained and all this while I been thinking - what happened.

I know I said I had a sense of inner peace and clarity, I do but it's in the weaker moments that the fetid mouth of despair kisses my lips and send shivers down my spine. I awoke this morning and resolved to shake it off and worked VERY hard on forgiving myself. And I focused on the simple truth that I can't control anyone but myself - I can't get Cynthia to see her complicity in this and I can't get her to see the wreckage she has left in her wake - ultimately it doesn't mater as I have no control over her, I never did.

It's about me and how I have to move on and raise my son and grow my business - I pray each morning for the courage to stay focused and live up to the potential of the moment. Tomorrow Miss Cynthia will be taking the last of her belongings from my home and hopefully I can start to find the clear center in my tumultuous heart.

We have to love and trust, if we want to grow as people and engage in the best of what life has to offer. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life is to forgive myself for the love that I have lost. I don't blame myself and I don't blame her, I just sit here reflecting here as I caress the face of despair, in the hope that it will go to sleep and leave me in peace.

Photo attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/powerhouse_museum

Day two - reflections on the self

Note on finding self
The process that I am going through was a necessary step in self-preservation, I was at rock bottom and staring up from the bottom of the oubliette I reached for the light and this is what I found - I found myself denuded and standing bare and in that state I could do one of two things - I could pitty myself and blame others or I could forgive myself and try to heal. I did the later and have tried to build this mental construct called momentousness to help me make sense of who I am and to move forward in life with grace and justice.

This has been an imperfect path to date but one full of self-realisation, and in this process I have realised there are some major obsticals to living in the moment - namely the self - the sum of our parts that squirms and struggles under the fabric of perception - it's made up of so many different experiences from our timeline that it's a complex melange of triggers, insecurities, fears, desire, etc. - that understanding it and acting in the correct way in the moment is a struggle indeed. Knowing your insecurities is one step but seeing how they effect others is another - being able to face down fear with faith and not allow yourself to indulge in your insecurities is one of the hardest things.

I am learning as I write this, and have no clear exercises for pulling out the hardest parts of the soul, bringing them into the light, healing them and placing them back into the timeline - I am writing this as naked and honest as I can in the hopes that this will show me the way - that by stripping away my pride and fear that I will get the man underneath and be able to control the subconscious as I try to live in the moment. To be honest this is a painful process, when you take way the mechanisms that you have used for years to prop up your image of your self you are left vulnerable. In this vulnerability lies strength, it's the strength of the new born, it's the ability to grow from nothing, it's the vision of a better life that you evolve into, it's the strength of light. Ultimately it's the ability to create, it's an ethic that asks you to build from this place vulnerability and to add strength and grace in it's place.

photo attribute: creative commons - http://www.flickr.com/photos/72213316@N00/

Day one - living the momentus moment

This is the day after I had my moment of clarity and realised that to be a man and a positive force in society that you have to be present in the moment - this means being aware of what your actions will do to your environment - understanding your fears, inner drivers and desires - and acting in a way that has the most positive outcome to the people in your environment.













The morning exercise
In the morning when you awaken spend a couple of minutes clearing your mind, try to focus your breathing. I have only done this once so I may come up with a better technique but this is what I am doing now. In your mind when you inhale say these words "This moment is full of potential, I will find the most fulling path from this moment in time" As things pop in your head think about how they maybe used to the best - if it's something negative and out of your control then don't dwell on it if it can't be made into something positive. Think about your family and your loved ones and think about how your actions - stemming from this moment of meditation - can make their lives better and try and find a path in your mind with the lease resistance to make it happen.

A note on the past
The past is important in several ways, one of the most critical is how you behaved in it - did you really live up to your potential in the moment, did you really do all that you could do to make your loved ones happy. Also the past has to be looked at in context of how it's shaped the people in your life - if they are too damaged, bitter or dangerous to have in your life then they will affect your ability to engage in momentusness then they should be removed from your timeline

A note on the future
The future is born out of our actions in the moment and how we let our fears, dreams and desires control our actions - it's critical for us to consider our interconnectedness to all things and that when choosing the optimum actions that we don't damage these connections. A wise and beautiful and wise woman taught me that, and it's central to momentusness as essential it's about doing the right thing.

Photo attribution: Creative Commons - http://www.flickr.com/photos/stage88/

Letters of love and lost

I am going through a very deep and soul rending breakup and through the process of loving and losing this great love I have found an inner peace. This inner peace has come from the wind blasted landscape of my heart - it's an austere barren place with only one landmark - and this landmark is the beacon that I focus on in my meditations - it's a beacon of hope

The love we shared was deep and powerful and it's loss is what brought me to this place and I hope by sharing my new thought regime that I can bring some clarity to your life as well.

Photo attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/neonihil/3059670034/